Matthew Yeager's "A Jar of Balloons or The Uncooked Rice"

Thoughts on the all-ness of all of this.

I am doing things slightly differently today. I am putting some of my words first and keeping them short, and placing the poem below, as it is wildly long. A shade over 10,000 words.

I love this poem. It is one of my favorite poems ever written. I don’t think it will fit in the entirety of this email, but I’ve tried to make it happen. I assume Substack will cut it off. Alas. If that happens, here is a link to it. But this poem. It is at once absurd and compassionate, wild and attentive, full of love and awareness. It is a poem composed entirely of questions (like Padgett Powell’s playful, wonderful novel The Interrogative Mood). It will, I imagine, make you sometimes laugh and also sometimes break your heart.

When I read this poem, or read parts of it, and when I return to it — as I have, again and again — I am reminded of the near-endless capacity for the self to be a self, and for each of us to be aware both of ourselves and the selves around us. And the world, too. So much of the world. When I read this poem, I am reminded of the odd mundanity of the everyday, and the way we are united, at times, by the strangeness of our collective experience, which is full of trinkets and objects and encounters and thoughts and little actions that, when paid close attention, feel wonderfully big. I am reminded that life, though serious, is often casual, and that our most casual moments can also be our most serious.

When I read this poem, I am reminded, finally, that it is a big and beautiful thing to be alive, even when it feels terrible or strange or diminutive or difficult or hard to process. There is so much all-ness in all of it. Ask yourself the questions in this poem, and you will feel it.

Some Recommendations:

1. Print out this poem and ask someone (yourself, your class, your best friend) a few of these questions every day for approximately a year.

2. Hold onto your favorite questions (such as When you find yourself, say, on a building-top as dawn whitens and you feel that unfortunate burst of energy shooting bright veins through your fatigue (all sound-tracked with birdsongs’ beginnings), do you find you always want to change your life?) and think of them when you find yourself, as you probably will one day, in exactly the space or moment the question implies.

3. Read a little bit of this each day to remind yourself that you are alive, and that life can be at once comforting and surprising and strange and beautiful.

---

A Jar of Balloons or The Uncooked Rice

Pick the acrid colors out.
—Stevens

Have you ever had a haircut so bad
you cried? When you open the drawer
after having poured yourself a bowl of cereal,
do you reach for a small or a large
spoon? How conscious are you of your
posture? Will you agree to let a lover use
your toothbrush? Which chemicals’
smells do you like? During which phase
of life did you acquire the bulk of your
friends? Have you ever quit a bad job
emphatically, ripped off a uniform or apron,
thrown the balled-up cloth at a superior,
then stomped off? Grey or gray? Who
most often terminates your telephone
conversations, you or the person to whom
you've been speaking? In your bad dreams
do you ever throw the slow motion
punch? Are you punctual? Is your signature
legible? Have you ever had a birthday go
uncelebrated? What's the largest TV set
you've ever lived with? Showers or baths?
How much cash do you like to carry?
Ever been knocked unconscious?
One large winter coat or layers? If you cross
paths with someone walking a dog, do you talk
first to the person or the dog? Do you eat
or give away pickles? What's the highest
floor on which you've ever lived?
Who is your most promiscuous friend?
Do you get jittery during airplane
turbulence? How jittery? Do you still drink
glasses of milk? How many people
have lived with you? How’s your balance?
Have you ever ridden in a limousine?
What are the chances, would you say,
of you becoming, one day, the president
of anything? Greater than none?
When did you learn to write checks?
Can you accurately size up the square
footage in a room? What games do you play
with small children you meet (such as
faking snatching off their noses by poking
a thumb between fingers)? Where you live
is the night sky starry? How high
can you kick? Have you wasted
much thought as to what you'd do
were money suddenly no limitation?
Cake cones or sugar cones? Are you quick
with your wit, or do comebacks tend
always to arrive hours later?
Do you keep your photos in albums or
shoeboxes? Are you handy? Do you
cross the street to avoid groups of young men
at night? Have you ever been a part
of one of these groups and watched others
cross streets as a result of you? Do you
match and ball socks or just dump them,
en masse, into the drawer? Do you
bisect your sevens with one of those
squiggly hyphens? Have you gravitated,
traditionally, toward the top or the bottom
bunk? Is it your tendency to order
the same dish over and over or mix it up?
Are you easy or hard to shop with?
Is your bed up against a wall, or does it sit
in the center of a room, accessible
from both sides? Do you own any pieces
of monogrammed attire? Aisle or window
seat? When eating out, do you set
your knife atop your plate and change
hands? What's your favorite cuss word?
How long did you call your parents’ home
your home? How are you at keeping track
of which acquaintances you've told which
thing that’s happened to you?
Do you recycle? Do you think that
every Bic lighter you see, when in the hands
of a friend, likely once belonged to you?
How are you at not losing pens?
Are you good at putting together kits?
When a friend begins telling a story
he’s already told you, do you let him go,
or let him know? When making a shooting-
yourself gesture, do you do the gun barrel
with two fingers or one? Do you insert
the finger-gun into your mouth or press it
to your temple? Do you cut up plastic six-
pack can holders so as to save fish? What
colors have you painted rooms? When
driving by cows, do you give in to the urge
to moo? What is the most valuable (to you)
possession you’ve ever lost or had stolen?
Do you miss it? Would you often rather
just stay in the car? Do you always know
the day of the week? Are you ashamed,
like admitting you don't read the newspaper,
when you're way off mark (though, in truth,
the most you can be off is two days?)
What about dates? Do you find you have to ask
aloud every time you're at the bank
or when you're on the grocery store floor,
attempting to pick out milk?
Isn't it nice how willing people are
to tell you the date? Do you have
any “original” items in your home,
anything with a total production
limited to one? Are you accurate
at guessing people’s weights and ages?
Do you take into consideration their
feelings when guessing? Can you fall
asleep on your own at the end of the day,
or do you need “help?” Look at your
fingernails: did you just stretch out all five
fingers, palm out, or did you fold your fingers
down over your inward facing palm?
About what parts of life do you have
anxiety about having anxiety? Driving? Do
you have a system when it comes to
pockets, or do you blindly dump in
coins, lighter, i-pod, phone, smokes, etc.,
then fish around each time? Blue or black
pens? Chunky peanut butter or smooth?
When eating bananas, do you peel them
nude at the outset or peel as you eat?
Do you tear into wrapped presents or
open them neatly with the spoken intent
to save the paper? Do you currently own
a phone with a cord? AM or FM radio?
In school, did you pack or buy lunch?
Have you ever made a scrapbook? What
famous landmarks have you found
especially disappointing? Which do you
(or would you) find more embarrassing:
crying in public by yourself on a bench
or laughing out loud in public by yourself
on a bench? Would you rather drive
or be driven? Ever just want to spit in
someone's face, though you actually really
like the person? Do you engage strangers
in conversations on airplanes? If no,
it’s odd, isn’t it, when the time comes
to accept peanut packets or order sodas
and you hear their voices? Ever wished
(if you are right-handed) that you could be
left-handed? Do you measure distance
in miles or minutes? Is there anything
that feels nicer touching the back
of the hand than a tassel? What
about gently blown breath? Are you
in bed at a similar time each night?
Do you imagine sleep as a kind of rising
(you are a basket being pulled gently up
in a hot air balloon) or as a kind of sinking
(you are a flat stone no longer skipping,
disappearing through layers of lake)? Can
you ice skate? Do you own a bathrobe?
Do you go to movies alone? When eating
out, do you prefer, in general, to face
the crowd or the wall? Are you a person
who has certain items that are unequivocally
yours (a coffee mug, a side of the bed,
a chair, a place at the table)? What names
have you thought to name children? How
many different bathrooms would you say
you use on a given day? Are there bathrooms,
(not your own) that you consider a pleasure
to use, even look forward to using?
Are you shy? Do you save your receipts?
Have you ever made love outdoors?
Before throwing spaghetti into the pot,
do you break the bundle in half? Can you
recall a [bowel movement] that produced
the thought: “Wow, this is the biggest and
best [bowel movement] of my life?” What
did you call bowel movements as a child?
How old were you when you learned
to read? Do you nap? Isn’t stretching
something you always feel you should do
more of while you're doing it? Why must
we always draw a blank after entering
a record store? What's the strangest non-
food item you swallowed as a kid? Do you
use Post-it notes? Are they still there,
those ascending horizontal lines that marked
your growth as a child up a wall or a door?
In how many cities and towns do you know
your way around? Can you describe to me
your most frequent freak-out fantasy, or
do the particulars of your situations vary
so that it’s always a new table you're
overturning or bus window you're
punching out? Do you ride the bus?
How is your handshake? Can you ever
know for sure if it’s too hard or too soft?
When at a museum, do you like to walk
around by yourself or take the tour? Can
you recall how the moon looked the first time
you saw it through glasses (if you wear glasses)?
When cooking, do you eyeball or measure?
Do you buy low-fat products? In which
of these opposing clichés (“absence makes
the heart grow fonder” or “out of sight,
out of mind”) do you find more truth?
Do you go, each time, to the same barber
or hair-stylist? When at the barber or
hair-stylist, do you tend to talk about hair
or realize that people there must always talk
about hair? Was your Christmas tree
(if you had one as a child) fake or real?
What was it topped with, an angel
or a star? Have you ever purchased
an item with the secret intent
to return it? In which of your pockets
do you carry your wallet? Were you breast-
or bottle-fed? Can you write at all
with your opposite hand? Do audiences
affect your attempts to urinate
or parallel park? Do you rise to occasions,
generally? Butter or margarine?
Do you bookmark or dog-ear your books?
How do you show love to what is yours,
by wearing it in or attempting
to keep it pristine? Do you not mind
fighting losing battles? When was
the last time you wrote a hand-written
letter that was not a greeting card?
Have you ever collected unemployment?
Do you check the dates on coins?
Did you play sports? If so, what
was your preferred number? Were you
a planned or unplanned pregnancy? Do you
save hangers from dry cleaners, amazed
that they're free? When pondering
what things are free, do you always
find yourself inhaling deeply through your nose,
newly aware that air is free? What actor(s)
could play you? Are you a fast dresser?
Do you like to be the one who holds
the tickets (for airplanes, movies, etc.)?
Do you trust others? What about
doctors? What is the worst ailment
you've ever been diagnosed with?
Have you ever been diagnosed
as something? How are you
at metabolizing shame? Where,
in your calendar year, have the birthdays
you celebrate tended to cluster?
April? If you went to church as a kid,
did you and your family sit
in the front or in the back?
What things have you been doing
when you've received news that a loved one
has passed on? Can you sleep
with socks on? Can people place
your place of birth by hearing your
accent? What would you try to save
in a fire? Do you wear non-winter hats?
Pulpy or pulp-less orange juice? Do you
always watch for the longest day
of the year and then miss it? Do you
miss lots of things you mean to see
or do? Events you meant to attend?
Picnics involving babies? Do you even
notice? Do you go to the gym?
What is your favorite kind of nut?
Do you remove shoes upon entering?
If no, are you annoyed when you walk
into someone else’s home and find
a pile of shoes and a note? Does
walking on rattling street vents make you
anxious? Do you tell people when
you're ticked at them? How are you
at judging clouds of the metaphorical variety,
at discerning those which will blow
over and those which will grow to take over
your sky? Is there anyone who likes washing
silverware? What celebrities have you met?
What is your method for dealing with coins?
Spend as you go? Hoard? Roll? Are you
a sucker for foreign accents? Do you
rearrange your furniture regularly? Do you
live in a place where furniture can
be rearranged, or is there really only one
logical place for everything? What gift or
gifts did you receive upon graduating
high school? Do you get mad when a drink
is handed across a bar to you with too much
ice? Mad enough to send it back? Do you
send meals back in restaurants or just
suffer through them? Are there multiple
languages in which you're fluent? Why
did you leave your hometown, if you did?
What are you usually doing when it
occurs to you to clip your toenails?
Can you drive stick? If no, do you
feel that this makes you inadequate?
How do you occupy your time when
in a waiting room or on a train? Books,
magazines, music, or just looking at people
then looking away? Ever French-kissed
the inside of your elbow? Do you live
in a place where tourists come? Are you
skilled at giving directions? Do you
own a record player? If so, have you
owned one all along? What celebrities
do people insist that you look just like?
Is the resemblance such that when you hear
“You know who you look just like?” and see
the person’s finger begin to wag you can
supply the name or names yourself? Do
you supply the name or names yourself
or give the person the pleasure of recognition?
Is your name such that it is frequently
mispronounced? Do you attempt to pronounce
foreign words correctly, such as calling
a crescent-shaped roll a cwaSAHN?
Do you like being an American (if you are one)?
Have you ever walked around carrying
a bouquet of flowers just because you like
the looks folks give you on the street?
Are you accurate in determining the ages
of children? What age do you consider
old? How has it changed? Ever just want
to yank the gun from a cop’s holster?
Are you a good tipper? When receiving
bad service, are you inclined to think
(‘it happens”) that the server is just having
an off day? Can you spell (without
looking it up) the word “hors d’oeuvre”?
Will you wait for a booth when a table
is available? Will you step out of a shower
to pee? When writing the number 2
do you loop the bottom? Surely at some point
you've worn the clothing of the opposite
sex? Have you ever lived in a room
lit by a bare light bulb? If yes,
when you opened the door and tugged
that jump-back-upping beaded chain and
saw the items of your life in that dimness,
did you find it gloriously romantic
or hilariously gloomy? If you don't live alone,
is it you or someone else who changes
light bulbs? Are you a good speller?
What physical skills have you lost?
Can you still touch your toes? As a child,
were you able to turn a cartwheel?
Are you hard on people? What is
the deepest water in which you've been
swimming? You root privately for loose plastic
drink lids, wind-blown and cartwheeling,
to stay up, to keep rolling and rolling,
don’t you? Do you think grades in school
mattered? Can you identify flowers?
Can you identify artists by looking at paintings?
Do you eat the crusts of pizza or only
when they’re excellent or you're hungry?
Do you eat other people’s crusts?
Do you cut the crusts off bread?
Are you a member anywhere,
of anything, as of a group of people
that meets at a certain time
and at a certain place? What do you
think about Communism? Can cans
of whipped cream last long in your fridge?
How is your self-control? How is
your cholesterol? Have you ever
spent a night in jail or been
in a physical altercation as an adult? Have
you been cheated on? How
did you handle it? If you could walk
on stage as the lead singer of any band
in any time period, who would it be?
When no one is looking, will you stick
chewed gum to a chair or table bottom?
When no one is looking, will you do
really just about anything? What is
the most money you've ever found
on a sidewalk or a street? Can you tie
a tie? What about a bowtie? In which
stores have you ever imagined having
shopping sprees? How are you at Trivial
Pursuit? Crossword puzzles? Does making
a good list ever feel like an accomplishment
in itself? Do you clip coupons or mail in
rebates? What's your theory on why the martini
glass is shaped the way it is? Do you like
animals? Do you find it beautiful when
sidewalks begin to freckle with rain? Seen
from a high window, is there anything
more lovely than when, all at once, umbrellas
blackly bloom? About what subject (other
than yourself) do you possess the most
knowledge? Do you say caddy-corner or
kitty-corner? Isn’t it nice when a drinking
fountain is cold and with the right pressure,
when you push the metal button down
and up pipes a sweet cold glassy little arc
of water? Have you ever been on fire?
Your cuff or your hair? What is the worst
you've ever burned yourself? Can you sing?
Do you find you begin singing
along to songs you know always a bar or so
too early? About what things do you think
you're a snob? Which is snobbier,
ballet or opera? Poetry or croquet?
How about football, beer, and buffalo wings
as a little group? How about cigarettes
and cities and streetlights and walking away
in a leather jacket? Do you use raincoats
or umbrellas? Are your faucets tricky
to the point where were an out-of-towner
to use your shower, you'd feel the need
to give a tutorial? Are they trickly?
When dealing with a knot, are you more likely
to pass the knot to another, sigh and say,
“Can you get this?” or to take the knot
from another and say, “I can get this”?
Are you a take-charge type of person?
Are you good with jars? Have you ever
thrown away a crusted pan as opposed
to cleaning it? What is the most difficult
Phone call you’ve ever had to make?
What is the most difficult test you’ve
ever taken? Do you prefer aiming
fans directly at your face or setting them on
oscillate so as to best relish that all-too-brief
rush of coolness? And when a fan turns away
to, say, rustle an unpaid bill on the end table,
do you follow it with your face as far as you
can? Do you sit and patiently wait? How
important is it for you to have things to look
forward to? When did you cave in
and buy a cell phone? Do you mind
getting shots or having blood taken?
How many people have you called
your best friend? Do the number of beaches
you've been on exceed your fingers? Does
a sense of true self-worth feel like the light
from a lighthouse, a sudden enveloping
golden feeling that soon moves on, too fast
to chase? Who is your wealthiest relative?
Who is your poorest? Do you ever snort
when you laugh? How are you at building
fires? How about changing flat tires?
Till what age do you hope to live?
Have you found this has changed with time?
When eating Asian cuisine, do you ask
for a fork? Do you bite or clip your nails?
Have you ever bitten someone with the goal
being to break skin? Did you like high school?
When walking or driving with a companion
in a place where your companion is familiar
and you are not, do you tend not to pay
any attention whatsoever? Were you cruel
or the object of cruelty as a child? The object
of cruelty, right? Aren't children awful?
What's the longest you’ve ever consecutively
slept (not counting when you were sick)?
Is your skin sensitive? Do you set down
sheets of toilet paper before sitting down
on public toilets? Have you ever carved
initials into wet cement? What about
thrown a grocery cart or brick off of a bridge?
At what age (or ages) do you feel
that you were at your stupidest,
by which I mean proudest? Do you
make it a point to go somewhere to watch
fireworks? Are there certain blocks
you avoid because of memories? What is
the oldest object (man-made) you've ever
held? Biggest vehicle you've ever driven?
Does your alarm clock wake you with noise
or radio? Can you think of a particular mirror
in which you appear particularly ugly
or particularly attractive? Do you find
that whatever season is next (spring,
winter, fall, summer) sounds pretty
good? In which season have
the majority of your memories clustered?
Do you tend (or did you tend) to date
people older or younger than yourself?
Are you thrown when the time changes?
Are you close with anyone bi-polar?
Are you bothered by insects? Have you
noticed how, when the subject is bugs,
the size of the bug will keep increasing?
Have you ever participated in a parade?
Which of the earth’s creatures would you
least like to see granted a set of wings?
An alligator? A shark? A snake? Which
of the earth’s creatures would you most
like to see granted a set of wings? The turtle?
Are you ever, while eating something
messy, able to look down your face
and actually see the food particles on it?
Was farting an acceptable activity in your
household? Were you tall, short, or medium
as a kid? Did you go through phases (tye-
dyed tee shirts and reggae music, then
goth, then jock, say), or have you been
mostly the same over the course of your
life? At what age did you reach your
present height? Do you own a washing
machine and drier? Do you believe (or
have you ever believed) in heaven? What
technique do you most commonly use
when striking a match? Folding the book
over? Two matches at once? Are you skilled
at eating crabs and lobsters? How are you
with the metric system, or, if that’s your
system, with the English system? Which magazines
do you get? Which do you read standing up
in drugstore aisles? What's your favorite color
of popsicle? When encountering a huge
and many-roomed house, do you ever want
just to find a remote room in its upstairs
and hide? What would you do in there?
Regardless, why is there so much delight
in the thought that whole days might pass
before you were found? Have you ever
had a load of laundry ruined by a pen?
Have you ever run out of gas? Have
you ever been the victim of a burglary?
Do you think you could mug someone?
Do you think you could kill if it came to that?
What type of food have you eaten
the most of, would you guess? Pizza,
chicken? Close your eyes: how many
living rooms have you memorized? 
Could you please call to mind at least
two or three and hold them a moment?
Can you flip your eyelids inside out?
What was your best Halloween costume?
When you imagine your own funeral,
does the thought of certain acquaintances
in the same room worry you? Have
you ever picked up a hitchhiker?
Have you ever been a hitchhiker?
How much stock do you put in
the Zodiac? Are your earlobes attached?
Can you recall the first time you saw
snow, or was it something you were
born into, a blurry awareness that snow
was a feature of this world you lived in?
If you didn’t grow up with snow,
did you first feel it or see it out a window?
Can you recall the last time the number
of candles on your birthday cake equaled
the number of years you'd been alive?
Could you, right now, name the location
of your social security card? Can you read
music? Do you give in when people
Plead? Why isn’t it a law that the street
address of every house and building be
clearly marked and in an identical place,
such as is the license plate on a car? Big
weddings or a few friends waiting
on the courthouse steps? What percentage
of your life would you say you spend
alone and recollecting? Okay, you have
a plate of cake and ice cream: do you go
with a spoon, with a fork, or with both?
Do you have all your original adult teeth?
When you enter a bathroom and find
urine in the toilet, are you inclined to flush
before you use it yourself? Does it depend
upon whether you know the person who
left it, upon the yellowness of the substance?
Do you find it’s always green suckers
that disappoint with their flavor,
mint or sour apple when you want lime?
Do you have any racist relatives? What
advice do you generally give to people
who have colds? Are you intrigued by the
lives of movie stars? Are you one of these
people who's always interested in match-
making? Do you like horror flicks? What
tools do you own? Do you sometimes sing
the alphabet song to remember the ordering
of letters? Did you ever think “el-em-en-o”
was itself a letter? What lengths will you
go to to avoid hearing the sound of
your own voice? How many telephone
numbers have you had in your life?
How many addresses? Do you sneeze
thru your nose or your mouth? Do you
sleep on your back, side, or stomach?
Coke or Diet-Coke? Do you own,
currently, any furniture you've found
on the street? What items have you stolen?
Cats or dogs? Do you have allergies?
How ripe a banana can you handle?
Have you ever seriously done the limbo?
Have you ever cracked a vase and then tried
to hide the crack by rotating it to face
the wall? Did your parents get angry,
or take it in stride when you broke things
as a child? When replacing toilet paper,
do you orient it so that sheets issue from
the bottom or the top of the roll? Can
you draw well? Do you prefer whole, 2%,
or skim milk? Soy? What bones have you
broken? Have you ever pressed your
forearms against the jambs of a door so
that upon stepping out your arms suddenly
rise? Can you give an example of the kind
of lie you tell? Do you litter? Do you ever
drop refuse on the sidewalk and then
ten steps later, turn around, walk back
and properly dispose of it? Do you throw away
Hamburger Helper, Rice-A-Roni, et al.
boxes too early, then have to dig them out
to check the instructions? Have you given
much thought as to what you'd eat
for your last meal? Have you ever heard
sex through a motel room wall? Have you ever
in a motel moaned loudly and shaken a bed
to freak the people out next door? What,
if so, was the silence like afterwards?
Which newspaper sections do you like?
Do you prefer wide-rule or college-rule
notebooks? Do you like holding hands
in public with a love? Do you feel bad,
sweat-palmed, letting go, like you've just
let the person down by letting go
of her hand? Do you like the ways lovers
communicate? How are you at holding
urine? How old is the oldest article
of clothing that’s still in your rotation?
Do you own any complete sets
(of dining room chairs, for instance, or figurines
or commemorative plates)? Have you been
eager to complete these, or to keep
these sets intact? And why is there such
satisfaction in any complete set?
Is it because the tendency of all things
and people is to drift, to end up apart,
scattered all over the place,
like a bouquet of helium balloons,
released into the sky that comes down
in little balloon bits in places so far
apart it actually becomes something,
something to relish and be impressed by,
seeing how far it is they’ve managed
to drift. What is this called? Entropy?
Do you ever ask aloud what the name
of something is, even when you know?
Does your possession of uncommon
knowledge make you proud or ashamed?
When did you cease calling your mother
“Mommy”? In grade school, did you
raise your hand a lot? Did it snap up
almost against your control, or did you
look around first and then raise it slowly,
like a periscope peeking out of water?
What is the longest you've ever continuously
driven? What's the longest you've ever continuously
wept? Do you save plastic drugstore bags,
margarine containers, coffee cans, bottles?
While showering, has it ever occurred to you
that you wash the parts of your body in
the same order each time? When you stir
with a spoon milk or sugar into coffee or
tea, do you like to turn the spoon against
the direction of the swirl? Do you ever ask
someone a question only hoping that
it will be asked back? Are you then
frustrated if that doesn’t work and the talk
leaps ahead to a new topic? Have you ever
carried a weapon? Have you ever known
a suicide? Do you often feel like slapping
door-opening or elevator-holding strangers
who say, “You're welcome” before you can
thank them? What is the costliest item
you've ever purposely smashed? Have
you ever inflicted physical pain (even as
simple as a deep thigh pinch) to escape pain
of an emotional sort? It worked,
didn’t it? Have you ever won an award?
Have you ever received a loud ovation
in a public place after dropping something?
Do you tend to finish meals in restaurants
or take half home in doggy bags? Should I
be embarrassed that the only flowers I can
identify by sight are those found in my
mother’s yard? How many of Shakespeare’s
37 plays can you name? Which wrist
do you wear your watch on? Do you sing
karaoke, and if so, what’s your go-to
song? What was your first remembered
movie? Do you eat the cereal that falls
out of the bag and into the bottom of the
box? What about food that falls to the floor?
How large are your feet? (Are they,
I mean, big or small for your body?) Which
brought you more satisfaction, when adults
told you you looked like your mother
or your dad? What is your favorite type
of candy? What is your favorite shape
of pasta? What is the fastest you've ever
traveled in a car? After washing hands
in a public restroom, does touching the door-
knob bother you? Will you ever grab
the knob with a paper towel, if only so as
to prolong the period of cleanliness?
What was the first thing you ever wanted
to be when you grew up? How high are your
ceilings? Does the thought that in a few years
phonebooks will no longer fill desk
drawers or sit on the tops of refrigerators
make you slightly sad? How tall are you?
How tall is the tallest person you know?
Ever wished this person could stand
beside the shortest person you know? Would
you agree that a ninety-year-old person
today is significantly “older” than a ninety-
year-old person two hundred years ago,
just in terms of all that person has seen?
Could you describe your wall hangings?
Do you like or dislike having your picture
taken? What color is your hair or was
your hair or would your hair be if you didn’t
color it? Could you tell me, right now,
the thread-count of your bed-sheets?
How old were you when you first flew
in a plane? Who was your favorite
nightly news anchorman (Brokaw, Rather,
Jennings)? Did you have a difficult time
telling them apart when you were young?
Should I just go ahead and ask how
old you are? How are you at impersonations?
Do you stick with them when they aren't
going well or jump ship? One CD at a time,
over and over, or always a mix? Do you look
forward to your birthday? At what age
did you cease looking forward to your
birthday? Were your parents younger or
older than most of the parents of your
peers? Did you lose your virginity to a
virgin? Which board games do you
own? What's your favorite? What music
did you like when you were thirteen?
Do you have siblings? If white, do you tan
or burn? Can you recall a place that's
prompted you to say, “This is, without doubt,
the prettiest place I’ve ever been”? Is
there anything you can't do that most
people can (swim, ride a bicycle, drive,
snap your fingers, whistle, wink)?
How are you at naming a dog’s breed?
What name have you always thought
would also be fitting for you? What name
would you have if you were of the opposite
sex? Do you like dancing enough to go
out dancing? Is your handwriting small
or large? Is it your nature to give advice?
Do you ever take another's story and make
yourself the protagonist in its retelling?
When, while conversing, a fleck of spittle
flies out of someone’s mouth and lands
on your face, is your tendency to pretend
it didn’t happen, make a display, or
subtly (after a pause) wipe it away? How
many ex-loves are you currently in
contact with? Have you ever done hard
drugs? How competitive are you? Do
you attempt to refold clothes in stores
after having tried them on? If no,
is your reasoning that to fold and restock
is somebody's job and why should
you help her with her job when she
doesn’t help you with yours? What
do you do about indefinite pronouns?
“He,” “she,” or the nearly impossible
to maintain “he/she”? Do you find
you always exaggerate, at least a little,
how little you've slept the prior night?
At what point do you round down to zero?
Are you able to sleep well on buses,
airplanes, backseats of cars? Do you get
frightened when your hands, legs, etc.
fall asleep? “Oh” or “O”? Do you go
to the doc when sick or try to tough it out?
Do you have health insurance?
Have you ever disappeared on someone?
At what age were you heaviest? Do you
correct people's small errors in pronunciation
by, to their unspoken embarrassment,
correctly pronouncing the word in question
in the next sentence? Do you completely
remove pull-tabs from pop cans? Do you call
soda “soda” or “pop”? What movies
haven't you seen that most people have?
Any piercings you want to tell me about?
Have you ever been kicked out of
school? If someone swung open
your refrigerator, would they find food,
wonderful food and juices and fresh milk,
or just condiments? Do you bring along
a pillow when you travel? Do your friends
know one another? Do you have any friends
with whom you've never had what you'd
consider a “deep” conversation? If so,
do you consider this a bad thing or just
a thing? In winter (if such applies),
do you remove window air conditioners?
Ever licked a sucker down to its paper
stick? Ever even tried? What do you use
to wipe yourself when out of toilet paper?
Can you tell me a story that you find
yourself telling people over and over?
Do you secretly miss sleepovers?
If a band or brand becomes too popular,
do you cease to like it? Which do you prefer:
keeping secrets or telling everyone?
Have you ever had surgery? How many
people from high school do you keep in
touch with? Do you ever swallow your
gum? Were you skilled at climbing trees?
Have you ever fallen out of a tree?
What is the highest height you've fallen from?
What about figuratively? Do you plan to be
buried or cremated? Have you ever sat
down at a table and everyone has gotten
up? Laptop or desktop? Why
is the inclination always to assume
that a street musician possesses talent
and a tragic story if the instrument
he plays is a saxophone? Do you play
the lotto? What’s the most money
you've ever given to a homeless person?
What movies have you cried in?
Are you irked when a cashier hands back
over a buck in coins? At what age did age
suddenly seem not to matter so much?
Did you have braces? Front or back
of a canoe? If you could date any celebrity
(including dead celebrities, in their primes),
who would it be? What are the toughest
pieces of mail you've ever had to open
(give top three)? Do you look before
you flush? Do you divide people into
opposing categories (such as “windows-
up" and “windows-down" people)?
Any trophies? Do you travel heavy
or light? Is traveling light a form of
showing off? What is your opinion of jewelry
on men? What about clothes on dogs?
When you find yourself, say, on a building-
top as dawn whitens and you feel
that unfortunate burst of energy shooting
bright veins through your fatigue (all
sound-tracked with birdsongs’ beginnings),
do you find you always want to change
your life? Have you ever sued anyone?
When people are attempting to leave
do you let them go or do your best
to make them stay? Faces or names?
As a driver, are you aggressive or
defensive? Have you ever fasted? When
naked, are you capable of forgetting
you're naked? Do you ever think,
“Yep, this will make a good rag”?
First job? Worst job? Current job?
Ever had a job where you see face
after face after face (cashier, club
bartender, ticket-taker at a theater,
toll-booth collector), one face after
another, faces like bubbles that appear
and then pop, although occasionally,
as with a bartender, re-appearing
so that a tiny relationship (made up
of a few well-executed gestures) starts up?
Big, little or medium-sized dogs? How
are you at keeping your word? Over
the years, have you noticed your voice
has changed? Do you tend to be
praised by dentists? Do you send out
a Christmas letter, filling people in
on your year? Have you ever been
genuinely lost in a parking lot? Has anyone
ever left without you? Are you quick to admit
fault, accept blame? Do you have
houseplants? Do you save room for dessert?
Even when you know there’s no food,
do you open the fridge and stare until
the fridge’s motor begins to hum? Are
you good about turning out lights? Do
you often enter rooms to get something
and then blank as to why you went in?
Does this frighten you? Are you frightened
by your occasional slumps in memory,
and do you tell others? Have you ever lied
about your age? What's the largest amount
of years you've tacked on or shaved?
Isn't it miserable when you get home
and have no clue what to do with yourself?
If you plan to be buried, with which objects
would you like to share your casket?
Would you enter the earth in casual or
formal attire? Would you enter in
serious or ironic attire? Do you have any
photos of just yourself in frames? What
was I just talking about? Do you live
alone? How many keys are on
your key ring? What do they unlock?
Do you tell people when they bore you?
Have you ever, through a window, seen
a naked neighbor? If so, did the sight
titillate or revolt? Do you smoke
pot? Have you ever worked in a strip
mall? Are you a fast or a slow reader?
What kind of music do or did your folks
like? Can you chant me a chant children
chanted when you were a child? At
what age did you know the most good
jokes? Do you write things down
or think, “I think I can remember that”?
Would you rather go first, generally?
Isn't it crazy that at one point
you didn’t know what a rose was,
didn’t know your name or even how
to blow your nose? About what subject
have you forgotten the most? Have you
more often broken up with significant
others or been broken up with? Do
people tell you you look younger than
you are? Are they right? How do you take
compliments? How do you take
rejection? What is the most unsettling
creature, such as a tarantula, that you’ve
held or handled? A snake at the zoo?
Do you open people's medicine cabinets?
Do you feel, on the whole, guiltier
when you get caught or don’t get caught?
Do you feel guilty about not feeling guilty
enough when you don’t get caught?
What are your feelings on reincarnation?
It’s not a bad idea, is it? Can you sit
still well? Ever had a job where you
pass people tools? Dental hygienist? Grip?
Are you a good or bad assistant?
Which of your friends had pools?
Have you ever tooted in a bathtub,
(be honest) and bent forward to greet
the rising stink bubble nose-first? Are
you fun? Are you quick to purchase
new technologies? Have you ever
been burned by a video game system
that never caught on? Is your can-opener
electric? What is your opinion of
greeting cards? Would you rather receive
a note on loose-leaf and two bucks, or
do you like the fact that someone went,
for you, to a drugstore, and stood there
in the card aisle, opening, deliberating, opening?
Is there anyone out there who hates you?
Is there anyone out there who hates you
justifiably? Do you care? Do you like
showing others your bruises, cuts
and scars? Did you ever believe
that pro wrestling wasn’t fake? What was
the first “adult” book you recall reading?
Do you like big round numbers?
Do you like baseball? Do you like
to do things (get out of bed,
leave a friend’s apartment, make
a difficult phone call) at exact times
(‘I will get up off this
couch at exactly 11:15 PM”)?
Ever wonder how all would be without clocks?
Do you find baseball boring and slow,
or do you feel absolutely the opposite?
Have you ever wished your room
could be dusted for fingerprints, as in
the cop movies, just so you could see?
Do you, in general, like to see? Do
you like to open presents early?
When no one is around, do you do
number two with the bathroom door
flung open? Why is this so damned
great? Would you say you “exist,”
in the sense that you can sense some
thread of you-ness tying together,
as handwriting ties together a person's
hand-written words, the way you behave
in bank lines, around bosses, around
lovers, friends — in all situations,
I mean? Doesn't your heart just
plummet when you cause a big mess?
Do you hate the rich? Or pity them?
How much help have you had in life?
How many beds have you had in your life?
As a little kid, did you consciously act
like a little kid? Do you see a shrink?
Have you ever been on a blind date?
Where did your grandparents end up?
Did they stay where they were or
immigrate toward the heat, chasing
sunshine like cartoon potted plants that
creep about on tiptoe roots? At
a certain point, will we all switch
to “old-people’s clothes,” or will we
go on dressing as we always have until
we learn what we we've been wearing
ARE old people’s clothes? Macs
or PCs? Do you finish most books
you start, or do they lie around on coffee-
tables and nightstands, open, face-down,
slowly deforming? Do you take good
care of your things? Have you ever had
an injury from sleeping oddly? Do you
belong to any online friend networks,
or has that box where you're asked
to cram yourself into 200 words always
been too intimidating? Are you very
(or would you be if you let yourself be)
hairy? Where, if you have a choice,
do you like to sit when at the movies,
towards the front or towards the back?
Do you like to turn around and look
at the shining, rapt faces? Do you like
watching people watch tennis,
the uniformly turning faces? When
did you learn to tie shoelaces? Do
you remember when three o'clock
was the most important time? Boxers
or briefs (if such applies)? What is
the worst injury you've ever sustained
at a beach? Do you like to go in?
Do you like going around shirtless
or going around in bathing suits,
or are you secretly electric with nerves?
As far places you've been, if you are
tallying the list for the sheer pleasure
ofa large number, do airports count?
Shoes with Velcro; ever owned any?
Who do you think has more friends,
me or you? When indoors and too warm,
is your impulse to blame the room
or fear a fever? Is a lack of exterior
corridors how you go about judging
a motel? Have you more often stayed in
hotels or motels? Have you ever walked
along a highway for reasons other than
a broken-down car? Is there any ordinary
walk more desolate than the longer-
than-you'd think walk between huge
joined chain stores (such as between
a Best Buy and a Home Depot) where you
vacillate as to whether to drive but don’t
because it’s all the same parking lot?
Have you ever sharpened a knife?
As a teenager, did you loiter? A lot?
What is the longest you've ever gone
without speaking to another human?
Do you think you could go a week?
For whom have you caused the greatest
joy? Who has hurt you the worst?
When is the last time you purchased
pornography? Do you tend towards
pigeon-toed or penguin-footed?
Did you ever purchase CliffsNotes?
Do people generally listen to you
or ignore you? Are you vigilant about
seatbelts? Do you currently own any
balls? Peppermint or spearmint? Which
do you find increases more rapidly,
your age or your idea of what age is old?
Why does it feel like such a victory,
just remembering certain instances,
certain people? Do you set your watch
at the exact time or ahead? If ahead,
do you find you simply subtract
the difference, thus making the point
of setting your watch ahead entirely
irrelevant? Do you mess with things,
such as a watch’s tiny winding knob,
just thumbnail it out, then thumb it in?
Do you ever mess with the button inside
the fridge that makes the light go off
and on, just press it flat a few times?
Does your weight go up and down
or stay the same? What roller coasters,
generally, is your mental health strapped
into? Have you ever been caught in the act
of sex? Were you secretly proud?
When was the last time you ran
as fast as you possibly could? You can
recall when you've been pooped on
by birds, no? Do you ever find yourself
(particularly when dressed up) tallying
up the total cost of all that you have
on? When naked, do you ever think
“zero”? Do you say “take a shower,”
or “have a shower”? Is “like” your vocal
tic, or is it “you know”? At what age
did you buy your final pair of cleats?
Does scrawling your name on a screen
when you pay by card scare you?
As if they might think you are a forger?
In what grade in school did people
begin to “date?” Were you in on this?
If you had to dispose of a dead body,
how would you? Who is your least
judgmental friend? Do you own or
have you ever owned leather pants? Is
there anyone to whom you can tell
everything? Can you sing any songs
a cappella from beginning to end?
Do you like being followed around
a house by an animal and then stopping,
saying, hands on hips, “What are you
looking at, little fellow?” Do you prefer
being the more loved or the more
loving, the hunter or the hind?
How many dogs, alive right now,
do you know by name? What is
the first website you go to after
you check your email? Who,
of those you know personally,
has had the shortest marriage? What
is the oldest couple you know
that has gotten divorced? Aren't
old-age divorces especially sad?
Did you know that Robert Frost
loved gossip and was secure enough,
as an old man, to admit it?
Do leather belts, when the excess isn’t
tucked into a belt loop, ever confuse you
into thinking they're exposed penises?
Do you then try to sneak back
into that unknowing place, and continue
trying to see them as 2-D penises?
Two piece bathing suits or one
(again, if such applies)? Are you more
of an exhibitionist or a voyeur?
But the sight of yourself having sex
in a mirror is exhilarating, no?
Is there any furniture of your parents’
(a clock, an antique chair, a crystal bowl)
that you've had your eye on
for most of your remembered life?
When you see an old man or woman
in a supporting role at a film’s outset,
do you immediately begin thinking,
“Well, it’s a given this one is going to die”?
Is it really a bad thing that most films
are predictable, as little else
is? Do you, if you celebrate it,
celebrate Christmas on Christmas
or Christmas Eve? When making approximate
sock matches, do you pair on texture
(‘these feel about right”), color
(“well, these two have gold toes”), or both?
Did you have chicken pox early in life?
How much money do you make? Is it less
now than you've made in the past?
Which dish of your mom's is or was
your favorite? Which was your least favorite?
Do you listen to phone messages
all the way through or delete them?
What is the longest book or series
of books you've ever read? Are you at a loss
when you finish? Are you a sucker
for products on infomercials, adhesive
putties, magnetic brooms, new devices
for rapidly dicing vegetables? What about
the extras, thrown in at the end,
though predictable as a rock band’s
big hit delayed until a concert’s encore,
(All this for only...”)? Are you a sucker
for those, too? Do you find
it frustrating that although you know
how certain things “work” (for instance,
how a love interest not calling you back
automatically increases your interest),
you can’t help but being drawn in?
But isn’t it human to be drawn in?
But then again, what is it to be “human”
anyway, and why do we even want
to be it? Why not something else?
Which would you rather be? A blue whale,
unconscious and in tune, or God?
Do you ever miss appointments entirely?
Are you ever guilty about wanting
too much, and monitor, like a waistline,
your wants? Isn’t it nice to stir butter
around in, say, a pot of pasta, and watch
the pat dwindle and dwindle—“Oh, and here
it comes again, now a little smaller”?
Do you think that? Likewise,
do you like watching flying helium balloons
disappear into specks? Do you watch
Joved ones disappear on train platforms
or in rearview mirrors? Do you watch
as long as you can? How often is it,
would you say, that your life, to you,
resembles a movie? Less often as before?
Are you adept at remembering birthdays?
Asa host, are you skilled and willing,
skilled and unwilling, unskilled and willing,
or unskilled and unwilling? In general,
do you feel it’s your fault if someone
is not having a good time? Are you
a person that thinks he can fix people?
Can you? Can you recreate the facial expression
you use when purchasing items like
condoms or Preparation H? Plastic
or paper at the grocery? Are you one
of these people who just doesn’t give
a shit? If no, do you think that these
people actually exist? Are they
conscious of the fact that they don’t
care and chant their un-caring down
their collars? Do you ever wish you could
break dance, just spin and spin on your
head in a subway station on a pizza
box? Who would you guess is happier,
me or you? Do you like black
liquorice? Do you ever invite yourself?
Tonic water or soda water (yellow
label or blue)? Bottled water or it
doesn’t matter? What is your favorite
type of apple? Do you buy generic?
Do you think you're capable of
letting yourself fall without bracing
your body in any way? How much
money would that take? How much
will? How little must you sleep
before you round down to none,
tell others you didn’t sleep a wink?
Three hours? Two? One? Do you still
have possessions in someone else’s
attic? How conscious are you of your
breath? When eating Thanksgiving,
do you like to mash together the turkey
and stuffing and potatoes and beans
or keep them apart and eat them separately?
What's been your toughest birthday?
Are their any card games you'd say
you were good at? Can you predict
rain with aches? Do you knock on
wood? Are you famous? I mean,
do more people know who you are
that you haven't met than people
that you have met? If you opened
the hood of your own smoking car,
would you have any idea what you were
looking at? Do you like to pretend?
How often do you Google yourself?
Do you have any collections of things
(books, wines, sports cards, jeans,
fountain pens, stamps, toy figurines
in original packaging) that you actively
grow? Who is the animal you've loved
the most? What was its name? Kipper?
Munchkin? Jake? Do you like
guessing names? What about guessing
games? At what age was your first
kiss? How often do you think of this?
More than once a year? How often
do you sleep till you wake? Is there
anything better than climbing into bed
and knowing this, knowing you'll be
sleeping an indefinite length? What's
the most you've ever shelled out
for shoes? Do you like to camp?
Have you ever killed an animal with
acar? A gun? Have you ever been in a boat
from which you couldn't see a shore?
What catalogs do you get? Can you
ski? If you could own a pro sports
franchise, which sport would it be?
Which team? Who was your favorite
teacher? Is he/she still where he/she
was, still teaching? What alterations
to your form have you imagined?
Unscrewable limbs? An extendable
neck? A third arm, very short,
projecting from your sternum? Perhaps
four more fingers on each hand
to fill the gaps between fingers, so as
to double the noise you could make
when drumming on tables while waiting,
four more fingers to keep fine things
like sugar from falling through fingers
(though a doubling of fingers would,
of course, double the number of gaps)?
Do you wash your hands before you
eat? In restaurants? Can you play
any guitar? Do you floss? Have you
ever pulled your car to the shoulder
due to driving rain, and then just sat,
waiting, totally overwhelmed? Are you
disappointed by your windshield
wipers’ highest speed? Can you talk
like Donald Duck? Are you a fast
walker? Do you or have you ever had
a nickname? Were you one of these
people at whom nicknames, like
noodles at cabinets, were thrown?
Do you count the books you have
by a certain author or CDs you have
by a certain artist and then just delight
a moment in the number (“ah, 13”
or “ah, 7”)? If you smoke, do you stub
butts mid-way or always suck them
down to the filter's end? Do ringing
phones on televisions cause you
confusion? Do you take your pulse
alot? Are you ever afraid to take it,
in the way one is afraid to take
a receipt from an ATM? Are you
salaried or paid hourly? At what age
did you cease taking baths or cease
exclusively taking baths? How rare
or not rare are those days in which
you don’t leave your home
or don't spend any money? That
feels great, doesn't it? Who am I?
Have you ever let a roach or some
other bug in your apartment or home
live? Do you always eat
breakfast? Did you cheat in school?
Did you let others cheat off you?
At what age (if such applies)
did the thought of a pink room begin
to sicken you? Were you allowed,
as a child, to watch R-rated movies?
Which minds do you admire? Any?
Have you ever stayed overnight
in a hospital? Do you like being
a patient and having people coming
to see you like a king, or are you driven
mad that you can't get up and go?
Do you hope for a swift abrupt death,
or would you rather spend time
on the deathbed? Have you ever,
imagining the deathbed as a kind
of perfectly edited highlight reel of your life,
filed away certain items to recall later,
such as “Yes, that first time I biked
home from work through Times Square
at about 4 am, hopping through red lights,
and no one was there,
and the whole square, that 75-foot-tall
cube of light, was something I was
having to myself, and the wet white litter
was everywhere, just an unbelievable amount,
yes, yes, absolutely, that definitely
makes the deathbed reel”? Would
you put low-lights on your reel?
Say, some childhood scene when you spilled
a whole quart of yogurt on your lap,
or the time you waited in a 45-minute line on your birthday
for a roller coaster you ended up
being too afraid to ride or
when you pushed a friend's little brother
into a swimming pool in his clothes
and their mother screamed at you and screamed at you
because the child could have died?
Do you begin to think of yourself
as a year older before your birthday? If so,
how many days or months before? Do
you mind when dogs lick your face?
If so, will you pretty much let any
non-stray dog lick your face?
What websites do you like? Have
you ever flown first class? Do
you ever fantasize about returning
with your present abilities to a
situation where your lack of those
abilities caused you shame or just
ordinariness? What is your favorite
month? Are there businesses that you
boycott? Were you a real go-getter
when it came to selling raffle tickets?
Raising money? Securing magazine subscriptions?
Among relatives, who is the biggest
low-life? How tall was your dad?
When you sense your breath is bad,
do you exhale into your cupped hand
then attempt to sniff with your nose?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the cold
showers you've been forced to take
have survived in memory, have they
not? From top to bottom, off
the top of your head, are traffic lights
red-yellow-green or green-yellow-red?
Do you know who knows things like that?
How frequently do you say your
own name followed by “is dead, is
dead” in the imagined voices of
sorrowful friends? Do you find this
weirdly delighting? How many people,
right now, know exactly where
you are? None? Do you like putting things
in order? Do you seek to describe
your dreams to others? How's your gut?
Are you right about people? About
whom have you been wrong? Regarding
underwear and socks, do you replace
piece by piece or every two or three
years overhaul the whole drawer?
How much tolerance do you have
for coincidence (at what point, I mean,
will religious thoughts kick in)? Any
authors whose work you've read
every single published word of? Have
you dated multiple people with the same
name and later confused friends when
these same-named exes have come into
your mind and out of your mouth? Have
you ever saved bottle caps so as to keep
tabs on your drinking? Do you like
finding evidence of things you do,
like movie ticket stubs folded in your wallet
from a movie you saw months ago
or perhaps a menu from a friend’s wedding
in a suit pocket that causes you
to suddenly remember exactly what you ate
ona day three long years ago? Have you ever
liked an ID photo so much you've kept
the ID or become indignant at the fact
that you had to give it back at the end
of the experience for which it was needed?
Do you generally know what to do?
Somebody you went to grade school with
must die violently: who will it be? Do
you own a radio that’s only a radio?
Do you mop floors or scrub on all fours?
Do you like making single tall stacks
such as of Oreos or poker chips? How
distinct from one another are your
days? Are there, I mean, activities
that you only perform on certain ones
(such as how, as a child, on energetic
Saturday mornings you might have
watched cartoons then played baseball,
or on Sunday mornings might have lugged
a newspaper big as a log in or gone
to church (did you go to church and do
the whole stand up-sit down-stand up-sit
down thing as a child?) then later had a
stiffer, more formal dinner as clouds like
cloud icons in weather reports (homework,
a bully, a huge crush) reappeared
to smudge your bright ideas of tomorrow)
that give to each day of the week
a character that, although woven together
of too many factors for a source to be
fingered, is nonetheless there, existent,
a certain “Sunday-ness” or “Saturday-ness”
(or somewhat blander “Wednesday-ness”)
that reveals itself in comments such as
“I know it’s a Tuesday, but all day it’s felt
like a Thursday” or “This Sunday really
feels like a Sunday”? In other words,
do you have a routine? Do you like this
routine or non-routine? Do you think
you could be happy without one, with
a routine of having a non-routine?
How long does it take you to learn
a grocery store? Have you ever been
to Africa or Asia? Isn't it an odd feeling,
to see a building or a house that you’ve
never seen, despite having passed by it
literally hundreds of times? How does this
make you feel? That because a simple act
such as fitting your key into your door
(and jiggling it with the necessary jiggle)
does not add to, but rather disappears
like a thief into a crowd of thieves into
the hundreds of times you’ve performed
this identical act, that you can't help but keep
missing something? And what is that thing?
How important is it that you find it?
Do you scale from 1 to 10? How many times
have you seen "It's A Wonderful Life,"
roughly? Do you ever have the desire
to organize your experiences by, say,
photographing every bed in every hotel you've
ever slept in or every cluttered coffee table
you've spent a talk-filled night around
or every bar-stool you've sat on long enough
to warm? What would this accomplish,
this endless compiling? Would it matter
that there’d never be time to sort through
the stacks, or is the important thing simply
that the stacks be there, to be tipped over,
then righted and squared with soft, short,
Parallel-palmed pushes? At which fast
food establishment (other than McDonald’s)
have you had the most meals? Ever
been skinny-dipping? Which do you think
is more infectious, a whisper or a yawn?
Which do you think is more irresistible,
a window or a mirror? What about a piano
in a room with a dusty shaft of sunlight
and no one to forbid you? But isn’t it a shame,
isn’t it actually a tragedy that the bulk of life,
save for the occasional plaqued fish,
once caught, noticed, must be thrown
back in? How old were you when you first
felt the need for a filing cabinet? Pine-
or lemon-scented cleaning solutions?
Are you a believer in holistic medicine?
Are you a believer in just about everything?
Have you ever ridden a motorcycle?
Do you ever dream about having your
problems’ opposites? A place so large
you feel lost, small? The one
that won't pick up her phone
ever, driving you mad, burning your
cheek with her chatter? Why is there
pleasure in pressing a piano key so
softly there is no sound? Generally,
do you try to solve problems by
embracing them or eradicating them?
Do you think I should wind down now?
Any memorable sunsets you'd like
to throw in? Or is there no need
to remember sunsets because today’s
is or was or will be orange enough,
and with the right mellowness? Any friends
named Andy? Any Bobs? What is your
expression for preparing for exit?
Folding up shop? Breaking down? Which
questions will you remember? Which
will you mention? Are you ticklish?
Will you forgive me (if you feel the need)
for this mess? When someone
apologizes, are you quick to accept?




from Like That (Forklift Books, 2016)

first published in Sixth Finch (Summer 2009)